Bulletpointed Movie Review: Iron Man
By Dan | May 10, 2008
Iron Man stars:
-Robert Downey Jr. who played Special Agent John Royce in “U.S. Marshals”, which is a rather forgettable role, but the performance which prompted Joe Pantoliano to utter one of my favorite movie quotes of all time– “The guy just broke my fucking glasses.” (Note: Quote happened after Robert Downey Jr’s character broke Mr. Pantoliano’s character’s ‘fucking glasses’)
-The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”
-The lead black guy from “Hustle and Flow”
-A damn fine looking Gwyneth Paltrow
-Al Quaeda
-Nerdy arab guy who teaches Iron Man how to ‘love’
-Robotic arm designed to assist Iron Man and provide comic releif (P.S.– Mission Accompished)
Iron Man received an “PG-13” rating for:
-scenes where Iron Man single handedly destroys terrorism in Afghanistan
-Robert Downey Jr. boozing it up
-Gwyneth Paltrow looking damn fine
-two men figthing in robot suits
-Robert Downey Jr. pulling a 3 foot long rubber tube out of his nose (2 more feet and it would have been hilarious)
-”The Dude” goes all evil on us
The Plot
-Tony Stark is a douchebag-billionaire-genius
-Al Quaeda kidnaps him and an Arab nerd and force them to build a missle
-They decide to build a robot suit instead
-The robot suit destroys everything, but the nerdy arab guy dies in all the broo-ha-ha
-The robot suit blows up or something, I forget
-Did I mention that when Tony Stark was kidnapped his heart was damaged so he built himself a robot heart? Well he did. Its pretty cool.
-Tony Stark gets rescued by his black friend from the Air Force
-Tony Stark doesnt wanna build weapons anymore, which gets the Dude upset
-Tony Stark builds a robot suit that looks wicked awesome and when he wears it he becomes IRON MAN
-The Dude turns out to be evil and builds his own robot suit out of the robot suit that blew up in the desert
-Iron Man kicks the shit out of bad guys and blows up a tank, which was awesome, because he just fires a small missle and starts walking away, and I’m all like ‘what the fuck’, but then the tank blows up behind him, so I turn to my brother and say ‘dude, that was sick.”
-Robot suit battle
(SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE ENDING SPOILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Iron Man wins
The good:
-It was all good
The bad:
-No Gwyneth Paltrow nudity, but she wears a backless dress, which was wicked hot
-Iron Man 2 does not immediately start after the credits end
Final Grade: A+
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Gay for a Day!
By Sarah | May 5, 2008
If Champzilla can have man-crushes, I might as well have lady-crushes.
I think men and women alike can agree that women are, in general, much nicer to look at than men. That being said, it’s quite possible for a woman to recognize and appreciate another woman’s beauty. Doesn’t mean we want to have pillow fights in our nighties. Although, given the chance, these are the women I would totally go lesbian for.
to make things simple, i’ll narrow it down to my hottest actress/singer/model.
Actress: Rachel Weisz
First I have to comment on her amazing range. Who else can do adventure/comedy (The Mummy), supernatural thriller (Constantine), romantic comedy (Definitely, Maybe) and some actual not-crappy movies (The Constant Gardener) and do it with amazing grace and style. I sort of take her to be a natural beauty, the kind that still looks elegant without tons of makeup. She doesn’t overdo her hair or overpluck her brows. She has a cute impish smile too. Also appears to have some womanly curves, and there is nothing wrong with that. She seems classy and cultured. We’d snog, then read poetry and cuddle.
Singer: Gwen Stefani
Lately she is constantly preggers, but long ago in a galaxy far, far away, in the days of No Doubt, she impressed upon me a cool rock-chick vibe. I guess punk can sometimes be sexy (is that the Suicide Girls appeal?) Eventually she would go anorexic for her solo career, but back in the day she was healthy and sporty. She seems like she’d be boss to hang out with. We’d snog, then smoke pot and play Frisbee.
Model: Adrianna Lima
Here is an exotic Brazilian beauty. She’s the Victoria’s Secret model who sports the angry face, sometimes to the point of looking evil. In a sexy sort of way. I fear that part of this is having a slightly messed-up grill, but honestly, with jugs like that, who’s looking at her teeth? She’s also purported to be very religious, and thus a virgin. God, I love the chase! We’d snog, then go to church and repent.
Topics: Sarah | No Comments »
Champzilla’s Balls Across America: Dodger Stadium
By Dan | May 3, 2008
Just got back from my Los Angeles/Las Vegas Trip last week, and think I’ve finally managed to recover from it. While Las Vegas is my favorite city in the whole wide world and probably the inspiration for hundreds of future posts, Los Angeles was an absolute shithole.
The traffic in Los Angeles is worse than anything I’ve ever seen, and I’ve driven to Cape Cod on 93 South during an IKEA sale. Traffic stops dead in L.A. at 2:30 in the afternoon, and barely budges for hours, and the smog in the city is so bad it makes you feel like you’ve driven onto the set of Stephen King’s “The Mist”. I got to see the Hollywood sign, but I really could’ve given two shits. The #1 reason for driving the 4 hours (not including traffic) from Vegas to L.A. was to see Dodger Stadium, home of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
I’ll be honest– I would have much rather seen Angel Stadium. It consistently gets high rankings in sports magazines as one of the nations best ballparks, and I’m also a big Vlad Guerrero fan (last of the great Expos). Unfortunately, the Angels were all the way back in Boston, which meant the only ballpark available to see a game in was Dodger Stadium.
Dodger Stadium is currently the fifth oldest ballpark in the majors, soon to be third with the Yankees and Mets both getting new homes next year. Having first opened in 1962, it has a real 1960’s feel to it, which makes it very unique from its older brothers Fenway Park and Wrigley Field which still have their turn-of-the-century charms. Dodger Stadium was the last stadium to be built before the “multi-purpose stadium era” and is currently the oldest ballpark on the West Coast.
My ticket was in the Outfield Pavillion. The ticket cost 30 dollars and included all-you-can-eat concessions. I can’t begin to tell you what an unbeleiveable deal that is. Not only am I watching a major-league game from homerun ball territory, I get all the nachos, peanuts, popcorn, hot dogs, and soda I can eat/drink. Give the man whoever thought this one up an award, because he needs to be recognized for his genius (Note to ladies: You know this idea wasn’t created by a woman, so don’t even think about sending me complaints).
As luck would have it one of my top three favorite Red Sox pitchers of all time was on the mound: Derek “she-hit-the-flo’-next-thing-you-know-shorty-got” Lowe (he honestly came out to that song). It really was a pleasure seeing him pitch again, and not to mention seeing him hit live for the first time, even if he is a Dodger now. Nomar was there too, but I didn’t wanna get too close, I don’t want him cursing the Sox again.
Two things really urked me about Dodger Stadium. One was the shitty hot dogs. I know they’re free, but a Dodger dog has surpassed the Oriole Park Eskee-Dog as the worst ballpark frank I’ve ever eaten. It was very rubbery and salty, kind of dried out even. The bun was shit too. Why can’t I get a normal hot dog bun for my hot dog? The other thing that really got under my skin is the fact that I couldn’t walk around the stadium with my Pavillion ticket. I was trapped inside this small area, completely shut out from seeing the entire Stadium. I couldn’t even get access to the official team gift shop to get my souvenier baseball! Now that’s a serious flaw (all-you-can-eat nachos almost made up for it).
The best thing about Dodger Stadium is that it’s deliciously retro. It’s very rare nowadays for a ballpark to make you feel like you’ve just walked into a specific decade in time, and I did have a feeling as if I was walking around in the 1960’s. Maybe it’s the bench seats in the pavillion area, or the dulled flourescent colors seen throughout the Stadium, but Dodger Stadium definitely has an atmosphere of pure baseball nostalgia that only it can offer fans. It even has a trough in the Men’s room for Christ sake! I haven’t pissed in a trough since I was 5 years old at my first Red Sox game. I didn’t even know they still existed in the Major League! I didn’t have to pull my pants down to my ankles, lift my shirt up, stand on my tippy-toes and rest my penis on the edge like I did back then in Fenway, but I almost wanted to just for oldtime’s sake.
All in all, Dodger Stadium is a good take, and one of the only reasons I can think of for visiting L.A. I recommend sitting in the Pavillion section for the All-You-Can-Eat concessions and the blessing of not having to be forced to see Los Angeles’ shitty skyline during the game.
Final score- 7 out of 10 balls
Topics: Balls Across America, Dan, Food, Sports | No Comments »
Champzilla.com presents “What’s Wicked Gay Right Now” no. XXIX
By Dan | April 18, 2008
What’s wicked gay right now?
Music.
Yes, all of it.
I remember being so excited for music when I was in high school, but now I just don’t care.
Someone recently told me that I should see U23D because it’s so cool to watch U2 in 3D. I thought U2 was gay in 2D, what would they do in a 3D movie, grab my balls?
I’m sorry U2, that was a little harsh. I never really minded U2 before, but it just becomes more and more apparent as I get older just how faggy that band really is. They always have to care about something. Africa. Third World Debt. Hurricane Victims. Aids. Why can’t they just play music? Why is that so hard for these guys? Quit being soooooo gay Bono.
Last U2 concert I went to was at the TD Banknorth Garden a few years ago when it was still called the Fleet Center. It was a really great show, one of the best I’ve ever been to, but there was one thing that really bothered me. I left the stage area one time to get a hot dog and a beer, and I got hassled by Greenpeace asking me to sign a petition. I went to get more beer and I got hassled by Greenpeace again. I went to go to the bathroom and I got hassled on the way in, and hassled on the way out. U2 allowed greenpeace to hassle me. Gay. Wicked gay.
I never signed anything, I was just too annoyed. When asked to sign, I’d say “Yeah, I already did.” After the fourth time being hassled, I thought I’d give Bono a piece of my mind. Luckily I had tickets right up front, so I could easily just walk right up to the stage to talk to him- or so I thought.
I get right up front, and Bono is singing “With or Without You”, grabbing his chest, closing his eyes, being really emotional (gay).
“With or without yoooooooooou…..”
“Excuse me, Mr. Bono…….”
“With or without you, ahhhhhh huhhhhhhhhh….”
“…….why did you make it ok for Greenpeace to bug me?”
“I can’t liiiiiiiiiiive…….”
“See, I just wanted a beer……..”
“With or withooooooout yoooooooooou…….”
“And they just keep bugging me…….”
“OHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHH OH OHHHHHHHHHH, WOOOOOAH OHHHHH OH OH OHHHHHHH, WOAHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHH OH OHHHHHH HMMMMMMM MMMMMMM….”
“I see that your busy, I’ll try this again later…..”
Its not just U2 that annoys me, it just seems like everything about music lately. All these annoying hit singles like “Low” by Flo Rida piss me off beyond belief, but at the same time get stuck in my head and won’t get out. I’ll be at work and I’ll be mumbling “she hit the flo…… next thang you know……” It’s embarassing.
And remember when being an Ozzy fan used to be cool? After being several years removed from that reality show he STILL isn’t cool! He’s been trying hard, putting out some OK material too, but its not just the same.
Metal is a mess now too. There’s a band called Atreyu. I’ve never heard them, but I legit heard about them from a 17 year old girl who said that I would like them becasue “they’re really cool, and they rock so hard.”
Now I could have gone to itunes and listened to the group, but I did what I normally do and researched everything about them on wikipedia. I read about 3 lines and made up my mind if the band sucks or not (P.S.–it sucks). The band is actually named after the character from the Never Ending Story, because no movie screams METAL more than the Never Ending fucking Story. WICKED GAY! I’ve decided that with all the metal tags out there (Speed Metal, Thrash Metal, Metalcore, Nu-Metal) I’m going to make my own tag and put Atreyu right at the top of the list. That tag is Girl Metal. That’s right, Metal for girls, and you’re about to be put on that list Lamb of God (also recommended by aforementioned 17 year-old girl).
And what’s with the Cleveland Symphony Orchetra this year? I just don’t know about this season. Most European of the American orchestras my ass! If you’re going to bore us to tears with the harpsicord, at least choose pieces from the Baroque period that may actually be worth while. Just take a note from the Philadelphia Philaharmonic. No one handles Handel quite like they handle Handel (Note to self: Brilliant.)
If you wanna take a break from the suckfest of modern music, I suggest seeing the Rolling Stones film “Shine a Light” on the IMAX. They may be old as hell, and they’re faces have so much old skin flaps they resemble the vaginas described in Sarah’s latest post, but at least the music kicks ass because its the Stones- survivors of a time when music wasn’t so gay. So wicked wicked gay.
Topics: wicked gay | No Comments »
Sarah answers your tough questions!
By Sarah | April 18, 2008
Dear Sarah,
I have always wondered why some vaginas are all inside and others have some outside. like peach lips vs bacon strips.
-Rusty Shackleford
Rusty,
I cant say that i’m a total vag expert. Most of the ones that I’ve seen have been on posters on the wall of my gynecologists office. You’re sitting there waiting for your appointment, and you suddenly see yourself eye-to-eye with your anatomy. It’s pretty shocking.
And…you know….I saw a few in college. But thats par for the course.
There are some pretty funny names for that area floating around out there. Here are a few of the funnier ones curtesy of www.urbandictionary.com
| axe wound | ||
|
A vagina in which the outer labia touch each other, completely concealing all other parts…leaving only a straight line. Like one chop from an axe. | |
||
| Beef Curtains | ||
|
A woman’s long, dangling labia minora that hangs far beyond the outer vaginal lips. May cause camel toes or moose knuckes. |
||
| roast beef | ||
|
A semi-slang term used to describe one extreme of of possible possible of a woman’s labia minora. It is characterized by a wavy shape of the labia with many wrinkles and fine crevices. |
||
Topics: Sarah | No Comments »
Lupi’s First Post- “S.T.Damn, thats funny!”
By Sarah | April 16, 2008
Yesterday I got a call from a friend telling me that one of our childhood acquaintances has Herpes.
I laughed my ass off. Not quite ROTFLMAO, but certainly LOL to be sure.
It’s one of those “funny until it happens to you” type of things. Like someone skiing into a tree, perhaps. Honestly, who does these things?
I also find it funny because I feel that she deserves it…she always lied a lot, and maybe this is Karma kicking her in the ass. Parents should tell their kids not to lie, because someday it could make them have Herpes. That would be a pretty effective determent, I feel. In fact, can we get that bit added into the Bible? It would be a fitting update. While we’re at it, can we update that part about premarital sex as well? And the part about birth control, and gays going to Hell? It’s a new world people- get with the program!
I’d have to say that Herpes is definitely one of the funnier STDs. This is partly due to the corny commercials for Herpes treatments- “I have herpes, but I can still ride a bike!” Um…what’s the connection there? Actually now that I think of it, gonorrhea is a pretty funny name to say. It just rolls off the tongue. I only think Chlamydia is funny because another one of my friends contracted it from a random Canadian dude she met in a bar, and on my roommate’s sheets no less. Then she left the sheets in a ball for me to wash. This is the kind of disgusting shit that chicks pull. Karma rocks.
Topics: Sarah | No Comments »
Man-Crush of the Week- April 14, 2008
By Dan | April 14, 2008
Question: Is it still ok to be gay for Manny Ramirez?
Answer: Yes.
This guy is on fire this season, and he’s solidifying his place in history as one of the top ten Sox players ever. EVER! There’s no arguing this one ladies (racists), Manny’s a machine, and the Champzilla.com Man-Crush of the Week. So guys, if you haven’t done so already, cut out a red contruction paper heart and glue your favorite Manny photo on there and look at it affectionately before you go to bed, because when a guy hits a home run with 2 rbis and does it in the ninth inning to WIN THE GAME it’s A-Ok to go gay for him.
Guys you can also go gay for this week are:
Tim Thomas, Goalie for the Boston Bruins– had the game of his career on Sunday as he looked outstanding in an overtime win against Montreal.
Steve Carell, lead actor on NBC’s The Office– was last Thurday’s episode one of the funniest episodes in television history? Brilliant, brilliant stuff.
Chris Paul, point guard for the New Orleans Hornets– Sorry KG. I want you focusing on winning #17, because Chris Paul is Champzilla.com’s pick for MVP.
Alexander Ovechkin, left winger for the Washington Capitals– Yeah, I’m still gay for you just because of game 1 and just the simple fact that you got your team in the playoffs, but you need to step it up in game 3, because the game 2 performance almost got you kicked off my man-crush list.
Manny Delcarmen, relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox– My second favorite Manny just keeps getting better and better. Look out guys, if we keep on getting gay for these guys as the season progresses we might be asking for a ’Manny Sandwich’ (Manny being Pastrami?)
Mike Timlin, relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox– Timlin gets a win against the Indians? Yes. That’s happening. Heck, why not just get all the Red Sox pitchers on this Man-Crush list! We should all be gay for these guys right now (ewww, not you Lester).
Topics: Man Crush, Sports, TV | No Comments »
Champzilla’s Balls Across America: Globalization of Baseball
By Dan | April 14, 2008
If you look at Bud Selig’s agenda for the future of Major League Baseball, “Globalization” is right near the top. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it since the Red Sox/Athletics Japan Trip almost didn’t happen since baseball was too cheap to pay coaches to travel across the planet, but the good intentions are there. How do we get other countries excited about this boring boring boring boooooooring game?
World Baseball Classic? Ok, not a bad idea. I have to admit, after hearing the 2006 Dominican National Team roster I began cursing my Irish blood and wishing I was Domincan. Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz AND Bartolo Colon on one team???? Ay Carumba!!! (Note: None of these players sucked ass in 2006, so yes, it was a big deal.) The World Baseball Classic actually worked on many levels. It got many different countries excited to compete on a global stage, even if it was the inaugural tournament. It also introduced us to many great foreign players, most notably Daisuke Matsuzaka. The problem I had with the WBC was the formation of an ITALIAN National Team.
Seriously? We couldn’t find one more country that gives a shit about baseball?
The Italian team was a joke. Basically they found 7 guys in Italy who could play baseball. To make a 30 man roster they had 23 American players with Italian last names fill out the rest of the roster (Mike Piazza played for a chicken parm sub). So guys like Lenny DiNardo, who wouldn’t have come CLOSE to pitching for the U.S. team found himself playing for Italian pride. By that logic Ricky Henderson should have captained a Swedish national team because his last name sounds like it could be Swedish. It just didn’t make sense to me, and the team didn’t go anywhere.
The last city to truly make its mark in the globalization of baseball was the city of Montreal. A city that many people view as a laughing stock in baseball for not supporting their ballclub in the final years of its existence, and never fielding a memorable team. Surprisingly baseball in Montreal was extremely revolutionary and is now all but forgotten.
Baseball in Montreal started with the minor leagues with a team called the Montreal Royals who played triple A ball as an affiliate of the then Brooklyn Dodgers and played ball in the 30’s 40’s and 50’s. The Royals were the team where men like Jackie Robinson began to break baseball’s color barrier and Roberto Clemente opened the doors for today’s current crop of latino and carribean players. When the Dodgers dropped their affiliation with Montreal in 1960, baseball seemed to be done in the city.
After some very hard work from Montreal government officials, Montreal was awarded a major league baseball franchise seven years after the Royals played their last game. The franchise would be the first Major League Baseball franchise awarded to a city outside of the United States, even inspring a second foreign team to be added a decade later, that franchise being the still active Toronto Blue Jays.
The Montreal Expos also had the distinction of having games broadcast in French. It may not seem like a big deal now, but in a time where the MLB is struggling to globalize- the organization should take note of what a monumental task it was to translate baseball terminology into a language that didn’t have an existing French Language translation (Le’ Sac Fly???).
Unfortunately, what could have been a very succesful franchise started to crumble after an amazing run of bad luck. During the Expos’ best season the season gets cut short due to a strike. Poor ownership and shady dealings lead to the loss of whatever fanbase the team had left, and talks of relocation or the disbanding of the franchise became almost an annual discussion on ESPN and Sports Illustrated, but the Expos kept hanging in there.
Towards the end of the Expos time in MLB the team played over 20 regular season home games in San Juan Puerto Rico, a descision made by Major League Baseball. Puerto Rico cheered the Expos as if they were in fact their ‘home team’, and the team seemed like a perfect fit in San Juan as many of the Expo players at the time were of Puerto Rican or latino origin. Unfortunately Puerto Rico could not be a permanent home for the Expos, and eventually the team relocated to Washington forming the Washington Nationals franchise.
As the team began to create a new fanbase in Washington all of the retired numbers in the Expos organization became returned or “un-retired” when the team relocated, thus making the team known as the Montreal Expos a memory or a ghost of baseball past.
The only place that still honors the achievements of the Expos and hasn’t forgotten the teams of the past is the very city many baseball fans feel abandoned the franchise: The city of Montreal. The Montreal Canadiens of the NHL are as popular in the city as the Red Sox of the MLB are popular in Boston. They have a rich history, many Stanley Cup Championships, and many retired numbers. You can imagine that the Bell Centre’s rafters have a great deal of banners hanging from them. In the sea of banners you will find a lone powdered blue banner holding the four retired numbers of the Expos in memory of Montreal’s former team.
When you’re cheering that new foreign guy on your team that gained recognition in the World Baseball Classic, or you’re eating bacon and eggs while watching a sox game being broadcast at 6am from the other side of the world, think of the Montreal Expos– a team that was ahead of its time when it came to the globalization of baseball, a trend that is all too popular now. Its my hope that Bud Selig and Major League Baseball remember this team too as they still seem to continue to struggle in globalizing their organization.
Topics: Balls Across America, Sports | 1 Comment »
New Advice Column!
By Dan | April 12, 2008
The first of the new features on Champzilla.com is ready, and now you can get free advice for any problem right here! Email your questions and/or problems to sarah@champzilla.com and check back at the website real soon for a response.
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Application to be Champ’s New Black Friend
By Dan | April 7, 2008
It’s hard to beleive, as beloved as I am in the african-american community, I’ve yet to have a black friend enter my circle. Well it’s time for a change. If you’re black and somehow managed to find this site, why not apply for the position of my new black friend? (Note: Each question is designed with an answer that will weed out white people trying to ruin the application process. So don’t even try honkies!)
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